Newly Weds

One Sunday night Jimmy and I went home with a couple that were probably in their late 30’s early 40’s.
It was a Sunday so we did the show in the afternoon, and then a quick church service, so we were done by about 8:00 pm.
The couple took us to a modest home, and they seemed pretty nice. On this particular night, we had to take the truck with us. I am not sure why that is important, it is just something I remember.
The couple told us that they were newly-weds, which was cool, and neither Jimmy or I really gave a crap, until about 9:00 pm, sharp, the dude raises his arms in a big stretch/yawn, and announces “Boy am I tired” She looks over at him, and with a twinkle in her eye says “oh yeah.. I am tired too” They both proceed to finish up with us at lightning speed. And disappear off to bed.

Jimmy and I end up sitting in their living room looking at each other wondering what the hell we did to make them leave us so quickly, and then we realize, it wasn’t us!

This modest home wasn’t the newest home on the market, nor did it have really solid floors upstairs. As we are sitting there, We here them going at it over our heads. You might has well been filming a movie up there, the bed was a rockin and you could hear the floor boards creaking, as well as an occasional moan or two.
The finale of the whole event, was when the woman appeared in the stairs and went into the kitchen to make a sandwich. I guess they worked up an appetite.

A Florida Double Wide

We ended up going home with a retired couple one night after a show.

It was Jimmy, Scotty, Me and I think Gary.

They were a really nice and friendly couple, and I can't remember what the ladies name was, but their last name was Erk, and the guy's first name was Jerry. It is easy to remember his name because if you put his first initial together with his last name, you get "Jerk"

If he is still alive, he has a crappy email address. jerk@hotmail.com

They took us out for a bite to eat after the show, and then brought us to a mobile home community which was pretty common in Florida. A lot of retired people took us home, and they took us to a lot of double-wides.

We are all sitting around the living room and the lady calls out from the kitchen and asks if we want some ice cream. We all say yes.

The layout of the trailer was a living room that opened up into a kitchen/dining room. The couple was in the kitchen and we were just around the corner in the living room

We are goofing off quietly in the living room and trying to keep our laughter quiet so as not to arouse suspicion. Jimmy got up to go change into some more comfortable clothes and then as we saw him walking across the dining room, we heard the lady ask if anyone had any laundry. 

That was the moment where I thought my body was going to explode I started laughing so hard.

Jimmy answered the lady's question with a chipper "I sure do" and then with his shorts under his arms, walking towards us, he dropped his pants in the middle of their living room, underwear and all. Jimmy is standing there with his dong hanging out, and trying to get his shorts on before the couple comes walking around with bowls of ice cream. We are all crying we are laughing so hard, and now Jimmy is laughing as he is caught up in his shorts jumping up and down with his bare ass in the air. He finally pull his shorts up and covered himself up. The couple came around the corner with our ice cream and I am sure they were wondering why we all had tears in our eyes and were still laughing.

HERE IT COMES

So, on this one tour, I think it was When the Arrow Flies, we had this girl named Simone. She was one step away from being an albino. I am not kidding, she was whiter than anyone I may have ever seen. One day, on the bus, we were cruising along, and Brent and I were sitting together. We saw Simone almost running down the aisle towards the bus driver. She came back after a minute or so, and she did not look happy. I mean really concerned! she sat down a few seats behind us, and we could hear her crying. "They won't stop" Uh oh.... We had to put a lot of miles on that day, and they were pretty adamant about everyone making sure that they went to the bathroom before we left. Now, with 40 kids on a bus, you can't just stop every time one them says they have to pee. So, we just ignored it. Next thing you know, Simone's seat mate went forward to talk to the bus driver. She came back with bad news for Simone. Brent and I could hear her crying as she was told to suck it up and hold it. The crying started to get more intense. Another trip to the front of the bus, and more bad news! This time the entire bus got the picture as Simone started wailing.. crying with no holds barred! Brent and I were two seats directly in front of her, and as the wailing intensified, we were wondering how this was going to play out. Then we heard the not so magic words. Simone stopped wailing for just one second.. it was almost a theatrical pause, and then like a pregnant woman giving birth, she wailed, "HERE IT COMES" Oh shit... Brent and I looked at each other, and then both realized... our stuff is under the seats. We grabbed our gear and threw it all up on our laps, and waited for the flood. Well, no flood came, but boy did the smell! After Simone stopped wailing and reduced herself down to just crying, the smell of pee drifted through the bus. It was truly repulsive. Brent and I buried our faces in our pillows. We got our cologne out of our bags and spread a shot on the pillow case and dove in like a little kid eating an ice cream cone. 

Go figure, now they decide that maybe Simone did have to go pretty badly, and we stopped at the next rest stop. 

Everyone piled off the bus, and the motherly girls on the bus helped poor old Simone get off the bus, get her luggage and head to the restroom to get cleaned up. 

They pulled the seat cushion out, and tried to clean it. I really can't remember much after seeing Simone stumble off the bus crying her eyes out. All I know, is that I am scarred for life.

HERE IT COMES!!!!

Hurricane Hugo and the Arrow

We were on a show called When the Arrow Flies. We pulled into Providence Rhode Island, and the load in was the biggest nightmare you could ask for. The loading dock was on the side of the building that was on a hill, so the 45' tractor trailer parked face down hill. The loading dock door was 14' above us in the air, and there was a steel I-beam that protruded from the building above the door with a chain hoist mounted to it. Everything that we had that wouldn't fit into an 8' deep elevator had to be lifted by union workers with the chain hoist. probably 80% of  everything in the truck did not fit in the elevator. So, from the second we pulled up to the venue, we were way behind the 8 ball. 

The other contributing factor to our madness, was that this was a brand new show, and we had barely fit it into the truck because there were so many new set pieces. We were not practiced at this show as we were with the other ones. As I remember, (and believe me... it is really foggy) The union guys were experts at this process even though it was crazy for us. So, the load in really went with out a hitch. It took a lot longer than we were used to, so once we got in, we really had to work hard and fast, but it all went with out much problem. 

During the show, the weather outside turned really bad, and Hurricane Hugo slammed into providence with a fury.

The load out was enough to make a grown man cry.... let alone, me a 20 year old kid. The next day we were supposed to do a show in Bangor Maine. So, at the end of the night.. and considering that the load out was going to last forever, we sent most of the kids home before it was finished so that the host families didn't have to wait around till midnight, and about 8 of us stayed to pack the truck. 

I just remember getting soaked. It was raining so hard, and the wind was blowing so fiercely, that as I was carrying one of the set pieces to the truck, a gust of wind picked me up off the ground and spit me into the street like I was a kite. As I lay there wondering if I was going to make it through the night, I looked up to see Scott Freeman soaked to the bone as well... water dripping down his face... giving me words of warm encouragement. "Come on buddy... we can do this" That was enough for me. I still had a lot to prove and I knew it. So, I got up, and picked the set piece up and headed for the truck. 

We finally had everything out of the venue, all sitting on the sidewalk, and we were trying to figure out which piece of the puzzle to put in the truck next. The Union crew closed the doors and went home. I can't recall, although I am sure Jimmy and Scotty could, how much stuff we left sitting on the sidewalk in providence, but we had had enough. So, we emptied out boxes, and racks that held set pieces, put the goods in the truck and left the containers for them sitting in Rhode Island.

Then About 5 of us plus the driver hopped into the truck and drove all night to maine. A couple guys sleeping in the sleeper cab. Me sleeping on the dash of the truck. We must have looked like a bunch of clowns as we rolled out of the cab at a Dunkin Donuts to get late night food and coffee.

The next day was Sunday and we had an afternoon matinee show, that started around 2:00 pm. That is why we had to drive all night. We needed an early start. At some point all the kids arrived, after we had unloaded the truck. They were all happy and excited... just enough to make us even more crabby having been up just about round the clock.

The show ended, and the tear down and load out was rushed, because we had to get to the local church and the kids had to perform a few songs during the evening service. Then finally we got to go home with a family... completely exhausted. Milk and cookies, scary breakfast, ham and cheese sandwich, and then off to the next city to do it all again.

10 gallons of crap in a 5 Gallon Bucket.

I was on this show called the Passion Play, and the final scene consisted of, all these kids on stage in white robes, Dry ice fog rolling all across the stage and then this 30' wide crown that stood about 7 feet tall, complete with flashing strobes in the face to make the jewels stand out. Behind the beautiful crown was a mess. There were platforms where angels stood, then closer to the top and center were platforms attached to hand cranks where angels would stand and guys would turn these hand cranks on a cue, and lift more angels into the sky, and in the center of the crown was the tallest lift where Jesus would stand and go about 12 feet into the air.

This entire crown was on wheels and would usually sit off stage left, till the last part of the show. A narrator would intro the final scene with a poetic mantra, trying to build the energy for the music to roll, and then we would light up this magical heaven scene. 

It was never perfect though. 1000 lbs of crown rolling out on to the stage with 6 or 8 kids pushing it, guided by a stage manger that was just going to be lucky enough to get off stage before the narrator finished his shpeal was a ticking time bomb waiting to go off. 

You could hear it rolling out onto the stage every night in the dark. The audience being gracious enough to pretend that they were paying attention to the narrator instead of squinting in the dark to see our little circus act. 

So, this one high school we were in was a really tight stage set. Scotty Philips was stage manager, and the crown was set up back stage all ready for its appearance.  The music ends, and the narrator kicks in. I am squinting watching for the first sight of the crown in the dark, and I am not seeing anything at all. Scotty is off his headset, and there is a lot more noise than I would normally expect. 

It turns out, that the way the pull strings for all the stage curtains and travelers are fixed in this theater, there just isn't enough room to roll the crown out onto stage. 

At this point.. the narrator is just about finished, and there is just no crown on stage. 

Now Scotty Philips is a short scrappy dude.  This guy makes up for in pure determination any limitations that he has physically for sure. Maybe even the hardest working guy I ever saw in this business.

The narrator finishes, and his light goes out.. we are now officially in dead air... it is agonizing.... Then from 70 feet away... I hear a grunt, and a loud crash. Scotty basically lifted the end of the crown by himself up and over the curtain pulleys and it crashed down on to the stage. I see the shadows of the actors scurry around climbing onto the crown, and I am just waiting to hear someone on headset tell me we are ready. 

I hear the headset bouncing around backstage, and Scotty comes on breathing so heavy, you would think he just ran a marathon while smoking a carton of filterless Camels. "ROLL IT" he heaves.. and then goes back to his deathbed. 

I hit the play button on the reel to reel, and the lighting computer gets the cue, and we light it up and crank the sound like we are at the pearly gates of heaven. The show must go on!

Bill The Pervy Spot Light Operator

This one tour that we were on, we had this spot light op who was this real skinny kid. He basically had no people skills, none of us liked him, and he really did a crappy job. In retrospect, I kinda feel bad for him, because we were all so tight, and even though he was part of the crew, we basically ignored his existence on the show. You could hardly blame us though. I think his name was Bill. Bill would walk around dressed in clothes that didn't fit, and every time you saw him, his hands were in his pants pockets, and he was adjusting himself, or playing with himself... it was just disturbing. 

So, Bill would be operating the spotlight in the show and Jimmy would see that the spot was not totally lighting the narrators head.. so, he would ask things over the headset to Bill like, "Bill, do we have to pay extra to light his head?"

We would all be rolling as poor Bill would snap to attention.. jerking the spot light around like a bouncing ball... 

Bill went home early on that show.. I inherited the job of spotlight op.

Ham and Cheese Sandwiches

The way it worked when we traveled with Word of Life, was that we would do the show at a venue, sometimes it was a theater, sometimes a high school, or sometimes a church. At the end of the night, wherever it was, local families that went to the sponsoring church would stay behind after everyone left, and wait for us to finish breaking down the show, and packing it in the truck.

Then we would get paired up and sent home with a family. This family was supposed to give us some kind of snack, a clean bed, and breakfast, a bag lunch for the next day, and a ride back to the church where we would meet the group and head to the next venue.

After working as hard as we did, a light snack of milk and cookies just sucked. You were starving by the time you got to the family's home. So, it was a total crap shoot as to whether or not you went to bed hungry or not. Now, I am not complaining that my health was at risk, but when you are hungry... you are frigging hungry!

Sometimes they would stop by a restaurant and by you a cheeseburger, and if that happened.. you had hit the holy grail!  A lot of times you got pizza, which was alright in my book. Hot food was hot food. Then a good percentage of the time, it was more like a light dessert, cookies, ice cream, cake. The next morning it was a total lottery as to whether breakfast was edible or not, and almost always, at breakfast, the inevitable question would pop up. "Do you guys like ham and cheese?" 

Now, you can't really complain about ham and cheese.... it is the american sandwich for Pete's sake! I only ask you to think about this. A bag lunch sitting around everyday with the same ham and cheese sandwich that you had yesterday for lunch in Lousiville Kentucky, and are going to have today in Valdosta Georgia, and then tomorrow in Huntsville Alabama, and most likely, the day after that in Pensacola Florida. Give a guy a break!

So, occasionally, the host family would give you an option. In addition to the standard apple or banana, ziplock bag full of stale, flavorless chips, they might say something like, "we have ham and cheese, or if you want, PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY" 

You had to take a deep breath and control your excitement... they might misinterpret your shaking voice for disappointment if you weren't careful. You would try to sound as casual as you could when you responded "I would like Peanut Butter and Jelly... Please"

Once you had let that slide out of your mouth... you could then do an invisible fist pump, a silent..."Yes!" and go back to forcing down what some people think are scrambled eggs.

So, this one day, This 70 year old lady takes 8 of us guys home to this ancient house, and sends us all up into the unheated attic to sleep on old mattresses, under dusty blankets. We are all carrying on, and I suppose at that point in our 20 something year old lives, we didn't have life experience enough to know it was that bad, so it was ok. 

The next morning, we are all sitting around the living room and the old lady comes out and asks us if we want ham or p-b and j. All 8 of us ask for the Peanut butter and jelly, and the lady hobbles back into the kitchen and proceeds to lay out 16 pieces of bread and gets out a butter knife and dips it into the jelly. 

From the chair that I am sitting in, I can see into the kitchen and I am watching her make the sandwiches. Feeling good about avoiding the ham and cheese dilemma, I am just hanging out. None of the other 7 guys can see what I am seeing, as I watch this sweet, gray haired old lady spread jelly over the bread, and then I feel like I am going to puke. Out of her 70 year old mouth, comes a 70 year old tongue as she licks the knife, dips it back in and spreads more jelly on each sandwich. This continues to happen after each dip into the jar, and I sadly realize that our lunch is ruined and useless. I think to myself... "I wonder if I can trade some sucker on the bus for a nice Ham and Cheese Sandwich"